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There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
colpo: (no jojo you are not putting that there)
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I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
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My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
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Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
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He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
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I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
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You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
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Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
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I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
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If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
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Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
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He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
colpo: (wow what an asshole)
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I am thankful for thumbs.

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Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
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Land dolphins.
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she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
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Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
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I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
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You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
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Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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