colpo: (Default)
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(253):

There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
colpo: (no jojo you are not putting that there)
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(530):

I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
colpo: (Default)
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(804):

My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
colpo: (Default)
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(361):

He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
colpo: (Default)
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(248):

Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
colpo: (Default)
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(717):

He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
colpo: (Default)
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(773):

I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
colpo: (Default)
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(316):

You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
colpo: (Default)
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(520):

Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
colpo: (Default)
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(267):

I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
colpo: (Default)
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(501):

If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
colpo: (Default)
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(925):

Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
colpo: (Default)
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(214):

Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
colpo: (Default)
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(541):

He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
colpo: (wow what an asshole)
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(425):

I am thankful for thumbs.

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(425):

Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
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(425):

Land dolphins.
colpo: (Default)
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(318):

she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
colpo: (Default)
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(913):

Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
colpo: (Default)
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(760):

I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
colpo: (Default)
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(204):

You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
colpo: (Default)
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(618):

Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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