(253):

There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.

(804):

My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.

(248):

Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"

(773):

I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?

(520):

Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.

(501):

If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.

(214):

Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.

(425):

I am thankful for thumbs.


(425):

Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.

(425):

Land dolphins.

(913):

Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole

(204):

You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you